Alabama, Auburn Fans Struggling to Process That Their Basketball Teams Are Actually Good

TUSCALOOSA, AL — In what can only be described as a sign of the end times, the Alabama Crimson Tide and Auburn Tigers are currently the top two teams in the country—in basketball.

For the first time in history, the Iron Bowl rivalry has spilled onto the hardwood with Alabama ranked No. 2 and Auburn at No. 1, leaving SEC fans in a complete state of shock. Many have been forced to process emotions they’ve never experienced outside of football, causing widespread confusion, existential crises, and at least one Auburn fan calling Paul Finebaum to demand a congressional investigation.

"I just don’t know what to do," said longtime Bama fan Billy Ray Thompson, who was spotted watching a basketball game in February for the first time ever. "I keep waiting for someone to tell me this is a prank, or for the NCAA to come in and vacate our wins like the old days. But it’s real. We’re actually good."

Meanwhile, Auburn fans—who usually only check in on basketball to make sure Kentucky lost—have been forced to frantically Google terms like "fast break," "zone defense," and "is it okay to care about basketball?"

With the historic No. 1 vs. No. 2 showdown set for Saturday at Coleman Coliseum, ESPN’s College GameDay is making a rare visit to Tuscaloosa for basketball, something analysts are calling the final proof that we are, indeed, living in a simulation.

Local Waffle Houses have already begun preparing for inevitable postgame fights, while Alabama and Auburn football fans have quietly agreed to pretend this season never happened once spring practice starts.

For now, the entire state is left to wrestle with an uncomfortable truth: they might actually care about basketball.

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