Alabama Passes “What is a Woman Act,” Finally Puts End to Age-Old Debate, Settles Science Forever

MONTGOMERY, AL — In what many are calling a historic moment of clarity, Alabama’s House of Representatives passed the What is a Woman Act, officially codifying what many thought was already common knowledge: that “woman” means “woman,” “man” means “man,” and “male” means “male.” The bill, which passed in a 77-12 vote, has now made its way to Governor Kay Ivey’s desk, where she has promised to sign it and probably throw a party because, honestly, it’s about time.

The bill’s sponsor, Rep. Susan DuBose (R-Hoover), explained the necessity of the legislation in a passionate floor speech. “We’ve had six public hearings on this, people. Six. Do you know how many times ‘woman’ has been used in our laws? 149! That’s a lot of times to assume everyone knows what a woman is, but apparently, not everyone’s gotten the memo. This bill puts to rest any lingering questions, like whether we should all start walking around asking, ‘What is a woman? What is a man? Who are we, really?’ The answer is, ‘We’re definitely not confused.'”

Rep. DuBose went on to assure her colleagues that the bill would put an end to years of unnecessary debate, adding, “We just need to make sure that when you say the word ‘woman,’ you mean the woman you’re talking about. This isn’t rocket science. It’s biology. And it’s fixed. Just like the time I tried to wear skinny jeans in high school. We know what happens when you try to ignore biology.”

Speaker of the House Nathaniel Ledbetter (R-Rainsville) couldn’t contain his enthusiasm. “This is a win for common sense,” Ledbetter declared. “I’m proud that Alabama is setting the record straight once and for all. Boys play against boys. Girls play against girls. And if you’re still wondering if you’re a man or a woman, just check the birth certificate. It’s that simple, folks!”

In a statement to the press, Gov. Ivey shared her excitement about signing the bill into law. “I’m thrilled to sign this into law. After all, Alabama is the state that knows a woman is a woman, and a man is a man. We’ve been doing this for thousands of years, and we’re not about to let some far-fetched ideas make us question it now. This is common sense that shouldn’t even have to be written down, but here we are.”

The bill has already begun to spark a surge in local businesses, with barbershops and maternity stores gearing up for a rush of customers wanting to make sure their identities are legally “gendered” once and for all. One local tailor even started selling “officially certified” gender-neutral shirts, which come with a certificate of authenticity that says, “It’s a shirt, y’all.”

The debate over gender terminology has been a hot topic across the nation, but Alabama lawmakers insist that no one will ever have to ask, “What is a woman?” again. “The only thing you need to know about a woman is that she’s definitely not a man, and if you need a law to remind you of that, we’ve got you covered,” Rep. DuBose said, holding up a freshly printed copy of the bill like a trophy.

As the bill heads to Governor Ivey’s desk, residents of Alabama are celebrating the newfound clarity with public parties, some of which include an “I Know What a Woman Is” contest where participants must correctly identify a woman based on an overwhelmingly obvious list of characteristics, such as wearing a dress, having long hair, and, of course, not being a man.

“I’m just glad we finally made it official,” said local resident Sally Jenkins, who was reportedly not at all surprised that her gender could be defined with the same simple clarity that it was when she was born. “Now when people ask me what I am, I can just point to the law and say, ‘That’s what I am. Case closed.’”

So, while the rest of the country debates this “complex” issue, Alabama is happily moving on, knowing that defining basic terms is only the beginning. Who knows? Maybe next, they’ll tackle “What is a Tree?” or “What is a Sandwich?” and make sure those laws are perfectly clear too.