The 10 Things I Couldn’t Stop Thinking About While Sitting in Traffic for an Hour This Morning

Why is Everyone Suddenly a Podcaster?! Spotify

My uncle, my neighbor, and the guy delivering pizza are all “content creators” now. Do we really need another podcast about iced coffee and crypto? Just… no.

 Why is Everything a Subscription?! Ring

Remember when you BOUGHT a thing and that was the end of it? Now you’ve got monthly payments for doorbells, TVs, and probably soon the air in your tires.

 Why Do New Clothes All Look Like They’ve Been Worn for 10 Years?! Levi's

Distressed jeans? My granddaddy called those work pants. Now I’ve gotta pay $120 for pants he wouldn’t wear to the dump.

 Why Do We Tip Everyone for Everything?! Subway

I stopped for a gas station hot dog and the screen asked for a tip. A tip?! What am I tipping for — pressing the “start” button on the microwave?!

 Are Movies Too Long Now?! Marvel Studios

I went to a Marvel movie and came out three hours later in a different presidential administration. Someone tell the producer to lay of the Red Bull and just give us a bathroom break, man.

 Why Do All New Homes Look the Same?! D.R. Horton Homes

My subdivision has five floor plans and 900 houses. Even the pizza guy needs GPS and therapy to find my driveway.

 Why Do We Have to Check Out Our Own Groceries?! Walmart

If I wanted to work a shift at Walmart, I’d ask for a W-2. Might as well have the scanner ask if I want benefits.

 Why Is Everything Getting Smaller?! Kellogg's

My cereal box shrank like it went through the dryer, but the price went to college and came back with a degree in inflation.

 Why Do We Have 15 Streaming Services?! Netflix Hulu Amazon Prime 

Back when I was a kid, we had three channels, one remote, and no “you forgot to cancel your free trial” texts. Simpler times.

 Why Is Everyone Driving Like They’re Late for Their Funeral?! Alfa Insurance

I don’t know where y’all are going, but I’d like to get to work before lunch — and in one piece. Put down the phone and drive!

The Real Doss Ferry Chronicle — Helping North JeffCo ponder the deep questions of life, one traffic jam at a time.